Running in circles…

I have been running in circles it seems with very little effect to my life. I have been working and haven’t been able to save. I have been trying to be a normal calm individual with very little success. I can’t even get my own house in order.

To sum it all up… I feel like a waste of space right now. I don’t feel good about myself and my progress… well… there really hasn’t been any progress….

I recently came to the conclusion that I need counseling but I don’t have the money to really go often. I found some information on a low income place that I am going to try but to be honest… I’m a little apprehensive about going. When I was younger, I went to many places trying to do a quick fix on me but to no avail. Back then, I used to pull my hair out and I was almost bald. No one could figure out why I did it, I told them it was because of nervousness and stress and that is true… but sometimes I did it because I just HAD to… it was almost like chewing my nails… I felt pressure until I did it. Now that I’m older I realize that I am an obsessive/addictive personality so no wonder I couldn’t stop back then. I still struggle with it but that’s not why I need a counselor now. I’ve been having a hard time letting things go from the past and I have negative feelings about myself. Worst of all… I’ve been constantly emotional and easily get defensive and angry. Because of this defensiveness I have taken my anger out on Donnie for no reason at all.  He tries to help me and because his opinion differs “I try to defend myself since it’s obviously an attack on ME”.

I have tried many times not to fight with Donnie but I only manage to fight worse and if I manage to keep my mouth shut long enough just so he can speak it feels like a spring inside being pushed down and ready to spring harder and harder. I always cut in on  him when he’s trying to explain things because I have to make sure he knows my side when I hear something I don’t agree with.

I’ve given up on myself at this point. I will be giving the counseling thing a try. I just hope I don’t have to go on medicine.

Have you ever been to counseling? I’d love to hear how it went for you. I’m hoping that I can fix my past to push myself towards the future. Wish me luck.

Werewolfchibichan